


Guilt.

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Blood, Crying, Death, Depression, Flashbacks, Guilt, Mentions of Suicide, Murder, Other, PTSD, Prision, Read at Your Own Risk, Really depressing, description of murder, dont read if that triggers you, like seriously dont continue reading if anything here upsets you., michael gets murdered, murder fic, please be careful reading this okay, self harm i guess, this is an au where the Squip makes jeremy murder michael, uh basically squips are all supposed to make you commit some sort of horrible crime
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:19:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13341129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jeremy Heere and Michael Mell have been best friends for twelve long years, sharing every secret and every moment with the other. This all comes to an end once Jeremy buys a Squip, an unknown pill from Japan. The Squip's purpose is to get you to be cooler and more chill, but it has something much more sinister attached to it. All Squips convince you to commit some sort of horrible crime, forcing you to commit and stick with it. Jeremy is an unlucky one, he has to murder his best friend. Follow him as he deals with the guilt and all the problems that comes with it.





	1. choking

**Author's Note:**

> Details for AU: Jeremy buys a Squip, which basically is programmed to make you commit a crime. If you don't listen to the Squip and try to change it's mind, it'll torture you forever. Jeremy's Squip comes up with a plan to murder Michael. Jeremy goes through with it, which ends up ruining his life and everyone involved lives. Jeremy has to deal with the guilt, which causes him all sorts of emotional distress. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide (and possible suicide in the future, I don't know), self harm (not cutting, though.), PTSD, murder (ofc), depression and mental illness and whatnot. Read at your own risk. Sorry if my grammar isn't the best.

A boy lies in his bed, sorrowful and anxious. He’s shivering under his multiple layers of blankets. His sobs are loud, so loud his father can hear from the living room. He knows exactly what he did, his sobs are full of pure guilt. The Squip acts as if it was _nothing_ , nothing at all. It’s continued to coach him on being cool and chill, knowing full well of the crime it made Jeremy commit. 

Jeremy can’t stop thinking about it, he can’t stop thinking about the look of utter terror his father’s face held the day he told Jeremy the “news”. The news Jeremy already knew of, the murder Jeremy _committed_. 

Jeremy remembers. It was the first thing he heard as he got out of bed that morning, tired and empty.

“Jeremy!...Michael-...he’s-” Mr Heere is holding his phone out to Jeremy. “R-read the text, it’s...too hard to explain.” 

Jeremy takes the cell phone carefully. His father had Michael’s mother’s phone number, they would often text each other if there was anything the other had to know. 

Jeremy’s hands are shaky and he almost drops the phone, but he keeps it in a tight clutch instead. 

“Mr.Heere, I am absolutely devastated to inform you that Michael has died, his body was found in our shed this morning. I’ll spare you the details, but we’re certain it was murder.” 

Jeremy looks up at Mr.Heere, the guilt of his actions set in his stomach, heavy as a fucking boulder. He almost topples over, but instead he drops the phone and a small sob comes from his mouth. 

He murdered his best friend. 

His best friend of twelve years, all because of some measly little pill. 

Jeremy can’t believe it. He shouldn’t of listened to his Squip, he could’ve somehow convinced it to give the idea of murder up. He could’ve kicked and screamed, begging for the stupid fucking thing to think of a better way, to rethink it’s plan. 

“D-dad I…” tears make their way into his eyes and his dad opens his arms up wide, ready for a tight, loving embrace. Jeremy falls into his arms, his sobs racking his skinny pale frame. 

Jeremy’s somewhat certain he won’t be caught, though. He knows this because the Squip is an entire database of knowledge and it gave Jeremy all the tips and tricks he needed. It even helped Jeremy make his way onto that dreaded deep web to research murder. He was in chat rooms, drug dealing websites, and even hitman websites. He scrolled through links of fucked up shit he rather not think about for hours. He was unstoppable, his Squip wouldn’t let him give up. 

During the murder he wore heavy work gloves, the Squip had told him that his DNA couldn’t get through their thick lining. He also wore heavy work boots from his father, he wore anything that would help mask his DNA. The Squip was proud of its plan, it knew exactly what it was doing and how it’d work. Jeremy was appalled when it was first explained to him, but that didn’t stop the Squip. Jeremy hated the idea so much.

The Squip, however, was convincing Jeremy of such a crime because it wasn’t what it had seemed. The pill he got was sketchy, yes, so it had to have had some sort of problem with it. Jeremy was convinced it was a device to make you cooler, more respected in the social aspects of things at school. But, sadly, this wasn’t the case. All Squips are programmed to force you to commit some sort of crime, keeping your body captive with it’s full control. The Squips true intentions are masked by something that appeals to all high school students: popularity. Jeremy didn’t know this, and he’s only just now figuring it out a little too late.

Jeremy shakes his head, getting rid of the memory and coming back to the present. Even if he already knew of the news it still feels like a punch in the gut. His father’s reaction to the situation brought the guilt and sadness to life harder than he imagined it would. 

“How…” Jeremy pulls away from his father. “I…” Jeremy wipes away his tears and sniffles. 

Jeremy knows exactly how gruesome Michael’s body looked. The thought makes him shiver, soon that body is going to be buried and Jeremy will never hear or see him again. He’s going to be stuck in the dirt for the rest of existence, he won’t be coming back at all, he’s gone. 

“G-gone…” Jeremy mouths. 

“There’s going to be a funeral for him, you’ll get the chance to say goodbye, don’t worry.” Mr. Heere hugs Jeremy again. This time tighter, it calms Jeremy. 

The funeral _must_ be beautiful, it’ll be a true way of saying goodbye. He would love to see Michael’s face just one more time before he’s gone for good. He hopes to god it’s not a closed casket funeral. There were some gruesome cuts on Michael’s face.

He still remembers the cold feeling of the knife in his hand, it could’ve been replaced by a snack, or a stuffed animal, or a controller, but it was a knife. It was impossible to feel the reality of the situation as he held the knife. Jeremy’s grip on the knife was slippery and unsteady, his shaky gloved hands barely able to hold it comfortably as he tore into Michaels flesh. 

Blood, pain, the horrifying feeling of ripping into flesh...

The Squip had made the situation a bit easier, though, giving Michael a neutral face. Michael was gagged, a cloth in his mouth to hide the screams of terror. Little whimpers would come out and tears would fall down Michael’s soft cheeks, but that was no match for the Squips auditory and optic illusions, though. The whimpers were silenced, the tearful expression was replaced with a more relaxed look. It was unnatural and gross, Jeremy knew this couldn’t of really been Michael’s reaction. Michael sucked with dealing with pain growing up, even biting his tongue would make him break down into tears. He was a sensitive guy when it came to pain. Maybe Michael was in shock. Maybe he knew there was no point in showing any emotion,considering it was obvious he was going to die. Little did Jeremy know, it was another trick the Squip had up it’s sleeve. 

“Jeremy...are you going to be able to eat breakfast?” his father brings him out of his memories. Jeremy looks at him with empty, tired eyes. “I’ll be sick, I can’t eat, so no thanks.” Jeremy waves off his dad’s request. “Are you sure? You’ll need the strength to get through this day.” He keeps pushing, knowing full well of Jeremy’s problem with eating during emotional times like these. “No, seriously, I can’t, but thank you.” Jeremy wipes more tears away “I’ll be fine.” He sighs, looking away from his father. “If you insist.”

There was something very peaceful about the rest of that day. Though, the air was morose. The peacefulness was pleasant, but Jeremy still couldn’t stop himself from feeling guilt. Afterall, Jeremy had murdered Michael a few hours before he woke up.

Jeremy shakes his head, coming to the present.

Jeremy’s still not so sure why he listened to the Squip. It was almost as if the Squip controlled him, forcing him to listen. During the murder, the Squip guided him, helping him rip through Michael’s stomach. 

Michael.

Michael…

“Michael!”

“Jeremy?...It’s too late to come here, I’m tired…” 

“Shh.” Jeremy places a finger to his lips softly. 

“Please man, it’s too late for a sleepover.” Michael yawns and turns around in his bed, his back facing Jeremy. 

“Michael, wake up, I have something important to tell you, you’ll love it. It’s about Apocalypse of The Damned.” 

This grabs Michael’s attention instantly and he perks up. “Tell me everything, man. I don’t care if I’m tired as fuck. Did you finally beat level nine!? Ah, I’m sorta bummed now because I wanted to do it-” a cloth is shoved into Michael’s mouth, silencing him. He starts squirming and whimpering. 

‘It’s now or never.” Jeremy thinks as he pulls Michael out of bed and onto the floor aggressively. “God dammit, you’re heavy.” Jeremy blushes a little, knowing it sounded like a remark on Michael’s weight. He didn’t mean it that way. Wait, why does he feel bad about this? He’s literally about to commit a murder. There’s bigger things to worry about right now.

“I know you’re scared, Michael, but it’s going to be okay, alright?” Jeremy rummages through his backpack that he brought with him. “Where the fuck is it?” he keeps searching, forgetting Michael is perfectly capable of standing up, taking the cloth out of his mouth, and hitting Jeremy with whatever object he finds. Surprisingly though, Michael is too busy whimpering and moving around as if his legs and arms are tied together. A panic response. 

Jeremy finally finds what he needed, pulling it out. A knife, a big kitchen knife. Michael tries to scream, but the gag blocks it. Jeremy looks at his body, remembering the most important part. “Shit-” he takes Michael’s blankets and attempts to tie his legs together but the heavy work gloves are making it so fucking hard. He does it, though. Next, the arms. 

“I’m so stupid. You could’ve escaped but you didn’t. Thank you, Michael.” Jeremy grabs the knife again. Jeremy sighs, looking down at Michael sadly. Tears begin to form in his soft eyes. Michael looks so vulnerable. It’s painful to watch him struggle. “I’m so sorry…” Jeremy mutters. “You’ll be okay...I promise” Jeremy hates himself for saying something like that, it’s an obvious blatant lie.

Michael shakes his head, whimpering louder. “I-...-ju-just bear with me here, okay?” Jeremy sits on Michael’s stomach.

Michael shakes his head again, whimpering and panicking even more. “G-get off me, p..please!” Michael manages to mumble out through the cloth.

Jeremy sits up in panic, shaking his head aggressively. He doesn’t want to remember this right now, it’s too gruesome. It’ll make him cry. Michael looked so vulnerable, he feels so bad using his favourite game as a topic to wake the boy up. He’ll never touch Apocalypse of The Damned again. 

Everything about the situation screamed future regret. A shrill scream, a scream that couldn’t be ignored. He remembers cutting through the boy’s skin uncontrollably, tears running down his face. He couldn’t stop, he would be shocked by the Squip if he did, it’d leave permanent scars. He remembers a tight knot in his throat, words that would reassure Michael wanted to make their way out of his mouth, but they were stuck. A thick wall blocking them off. 

“I-...this isn’t me, I swear Michael-” he tries to say, but a choking feeling runs through his throat, holding him captive. 

And the moment where he went too far and the life was taken from his friend, Jeremy gasped, dropping the knife and began grossly sobbing. “Wh-...he’s...no…” Jeremy looks at the blood covering his shirt, it’s everywhere. It’s all over his gloves and face, on his shirt, on his pants, and even in his hair.

Jeremy whines, pulling his hair. He doesn’t want to remember but the memories keep on coming, choking him, holding him down. Multiple flashbacks take him back to the traumatic time, making him choke on his own sobs. His own father is terrified, he won’t allow Jeremy to leave the house without him. He’s worried a murderer is on the loose. The only good thing about this situation is the murder is Jeremy Heere and he can’t go out and prowl through the night and murder himself. Well, there’s suicide, but it’s not technically the same as murder. Jeremy looks at his fingernails, he’s been chewing them all night. He’s so worried, what if his father found out the truth? What if the police track Jeremy down, arresting him for life? He’s going to have to give his secret up eventually, he can’t keep it inside. It’ll kill him to keep it on the inside, he’ll lose his mind if he hasn’t already.

Michael’s mother is a wreck. Jeremy watched her and Michael’s father walk into the school, hand in hand. They had a morose atmosphere to them, well, of course they did, their eldest son just died. Jeremy was sitting in the office. He was waiting to be picked up from school because he had puked during class from all the stress and anxiety.   
They gave him a soft greeting, Mr.Mell giving him a nod. Jeremy had nodded back, trying to act normal and innocent. The guilt was eating Jeremy up inside as he watched them speak to the Principal about cleaning Michael’s locker and removing his name from the school’s student list. It was always awkward when a substitute would call out Michael Mell and everyone would go silent. 

“Is Michael Mell here? Any sign of a Michael?”

The class stops talking and everyone looks over at Jeremy, anxious and tense. 

Jeremy has to do the job, so he shakes his head. “T-there’s no Michael anymore-...he doesn’t go to school anymore.” 

Jeremy made sure to start telling all the teachers he shared with Michael to cross his name out until the school system deleted his name once and for all. It was finally the day, Jeremy could hear the conversation through the door.

“Again, we are very sorry for your loss. I’ll work on deleting his name from the system. I can’t even begin to comprehend how emotional and tough this must be for you right now.” 

Jeremy tries to tune it out, it’s just making the guilt even stronger. He’s surprised how powerful guilt can get.

When Jeremy was walking to the entrance of the school with his father, he saw Mr and Mrs. Mell again. This time they had a janitor with them. It was time for the locker. 

“D-dad? Can I help them with the locker?” 

Mr.Heere nods, catching ahold of the distressed parents. They gave a big smile and embraced both Jeremy and Mr.Heere. 

“I-uh...was just wondering if I could help clean out his locker? There might be some things in there for me because we uh...shared a locker a lot.”

“Of course, dear, come with us.” 

He followed them, his stomach aching and his Squip screaming nonsense at him. It wasn’t too happy Jeremy was talking to Michael’s parents, offering help. He didn’t care, he didn’t want to care. He needed to ease the guilt somehow.

As he worked on grabbing Michael’s many sketchbooks, many textbooks, and many school binders from out of his locker, he found a note. He reached for it and opened it in seconds, hoping it told some sort of story.

_“Dear Mikle,_

_You are my bestest friend in the whole wide world!!! Happy 7th birthday mikle i bought you a present_

_-Jermy”_

Jeremy gasps “Mrs.Mell, you might like this note...this is so old.” he hands her the note gently and watches as she reads it. She bursts into tears.

“Jeremy, my dear, you’ve been so good to Michael. So kind, you’re exactly what he needed growing up. He loved you a lot, I hope you know that. He kept a lot of your notes and presents from when you two were young…”

She wraps her arms around Jeremy, squeezing him tightly. “Thank you so much for getting that boy through life. He was greatly loved.” 

Jeremy takes a deep breath, coming back to the present once again. He stops breathing for a moment, remembering Michael’s little brother, Jacob. He was at the wake with his family, completely confused and upset. He wouldn’t stop crying and grasping for Jeremy from afar. Jacob always loved Jeremy. And that’s when the worst wave of guilt ever hit him and he dropped to the ground, nearly puking. Jacob is so young, so innocent. His bond with Michael was the closest bond he’s seen a five year old and a sixteen year old have. 

Jeremy sits up, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. 

“No, I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to remember. I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER.”

Suddenly, all the memories come crashing down and all he can see are waves of the night of the murder, his horrible days at school, the Squip’s constant yelling and commands. He can hardly breathe, the weight of the guilt feeling like someone pushing down on his chest.

It all comes to a stop once his father enters the room, grabbing Jeremy and holding him tight. “You’re okay, Jeremy, just breathe, breathe in, breathe out. You need to sleep.” Mr.Heere softly pushes Jeremy down and covers him with his blankets and walks over to the window, opening it. “D-dad…” Jeremy whimpers “I’m not tired…” Jeremy sits up again, the guilt beginning to stir again. 

He starts to feel nauseous and leans over his bed, puking. Mr.Heere frowns “son…” he rushes to get what is needed to clean it. Jeremy pukes more, imagining it as guilt coming out of his body in a thick black liquid. 

…

A week after the puking incident Jeremy goes to school and is hit with another flashback.

“Michael-” he cries and keeps stabbing into Michael, continuously. He can’t get his arm to stop, it’s impossible. He’s sweating and cursing under his breath. He just wants it to be over with already. Michael is squirming, trying ever so hard to break free from Jeremy’s grasp. Jeremy can hear Michaels heartbeat, beating so very fast. Michaels chest goes up and down in panic, his forehead covered in a layer of sweat. Jeremy’s not a natural born murderer, he’s not so sure he can handle this any longer, he wants to give up and let Michael go. Call 911, get Michael’s injuries tended to, and put Michael to bed. Apologize in the morning, try to make up for it somehow. He’d much rather have his best friend never forgive him (Michael would hate to forgive Jeremy) than to have him die.

...

The flashback leaves Jeremy standing in the middle of the hall, an empty look in his eyes. But he’s shaken out of the flashback by Brooke, her tiny hands on his shoulder. “B-Brooke?” he looks into her eyes, they are watery. “Jeremy...are you okay? I know Michael’s death is hard on you...I…” she holds Jeremy close “I’m here for you. So is Chloe, so is Christine, Rich, Jake...everyone.”

Jeremy whimpers “I-...thank you…” Brooke releases him from the hug, smiling at him. “You’re a good guy, Jeremy.” she walks away, looking back at him and waves.

God, Jeremy wishes that were true.

…

Jeremy’s sent to therapy and he’s forced to explain the Squip. He doesn’t want to, but it’s one of the many things his therapist wants to hear. Jeremy explains it the best he can, confusing the man. 

“I know, it sounds like something from a film or an episode of Black Mirror but bear with me here okay?” Jeremy rubs his temples “I’m not delusional, I promise.”

When he gets home, he tells his father about the therapist, begging his father to end all appointments. He hates his therapist. He groans and rubs his eyes “please dad, I’d much rather not talk to this guy about my problems, he’s too serious.” 

“Well, that’s what you should expect therapy to be, serious. That’s what you want in a therapist, right? Isn’t that what people want?” 

“I guess.”

So, he goes back. 

The therapist helps Jeremy work out his problems and sooner than later Jeremy brings up the guilt he feels. He can’t say exactly where the guilts coming from, he’d be arrested. Instead, he lies and says he blames himself for Michaels passing and feels immense guilt from the event. 

“Well, Jeremy, why exactly do you blame yourself? You say he was murdered, how could this be your fault if it wasn’t you?”

“I-...blame myself because I could’ve saved him somehow I guess?” Jeremy isn’t quite sure what to say, his therapist got way too close to the truth.

“How?”

“Um...I could’ve hung out with him that night, I guess? I could’ve checked up on him and stayed with him...uh,also before he died, we didn’t really get along very well, either. I guess it mostly stems from that?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I guess we were around each other a little too much. I don’t know, everything happens for a reason, right?”

“What I suggest you do is tell yourself it’s not your fault.”

“It’s...not my fault.” Jeremy mouths the words to himself, they mean absolutely nothing to him because it’s all a lie. 

“This is a normal thing when it comes to grief, you know. Everyone blames themselves when a close friend or relative dies.” 

“O-oh…”

Jeremy goes home with a sickness in his stomach. He lied to his therapists face. He was given advice that would do nothing to make him feel better. He’ll never get better at this point. He sighs, thinking about where Michael may be right now. Christine had told him Michael’s watching down on him, protecting him. She said it in an attempt to comfort Jeremy, but it did nothing. Jeremy isn’t a believer of that stuff, he respects it, but he doesn’t personally enjoy it. But, even if Michael was still here somewhere, the last thing he’d do is check up on Jeremy. Michael’s probably pissed he died in such a horrible way.

Jeremy looks around his room, his eyes land on a familiar black and green sweater hanging on a hook. Michael’s mother gave him Michael’s C REEP S sweater, saying he’s allowed to have it as a keepsake in memory of Michael. He’s getting a lot of things from Michael soon.

He stands up, grabbing it and holding it close. 

“Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry Michael.” 

He starts to cry and rubs his face on the sweater. “I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve this. None of this. Fuck. Fuck.” 

Jeremy gets frustrated and throws the sweater on his bed “I need you, Michael. I don’t give a shit what the Squip says, I need you. We can play video games and joke around like we used to. Fuck, why did this happen!?”

Jeremy stomps his foot and starts clawing at his face. He finds himself going into full emotional breakdown mode. He’s so angry at himself for the crime he commited. He remembers looking around Michael’s room, seeing his many posters and action figures. His lava lamp and fairy lights strung up on his walls, his star wallpaper. Many things that showed his personality. Jeremy felt bad doing such a thing to him in such a comfortable happy room. Jeremy doesn’t deserve a single keepsake from Michael, he deserves to be locked up. There’s no excuse, and Jeremy wants to fucking strangle himself. 

“This is all my fault. This is literally all my fault.”

How could he have been so fucking stupid? Why would you murder your best friend of twelve years? 

Jeremy starts hurting himself, he scratches his arms violently with his long nails. He doesn’t give a shit if he’s caught. His dad won’t do jack shit to help him, anyway. He’ll just hug Jeremy, promising him it’ll get better. It won’t, he killed his best friend. 

Maybe he should walk to the police station and turn himself in, maybe he should tell his dad what he’s done. That he’s the killer, that he’s the one who ruined the Mell’s lives. 

Jeremy thinks about Michael’s little brother, Jacob, and how small and innocent he is. Knowing how much this is going to change the poor kid kills Jeremy on the inside. Jacob’s too young to experience this type of grief. Jeremy literally took away the most positive figure in Jacob’s life. Jacob’s dad is rarely home, working night shifts and all. Michael is exactly the big brother every little kid needs. Michael would buy Jacob slushies, take Jacob to Jeremy’s house, drive Jacob to school somedays. They were so fucking close and Jeremy took that away from the poor kid. If Michael’s mother knew this, she’d be livid and would strangle Jeremy. 

He looks at his nails and the markings they left on his arms. He wants to do more but it burns, oh god it burns. He forces himself to cut his nails short that night. 

When he goes to lie in bed, he holds the sweater close to his face. It smells of Michael, a soft scent that he will never forget. He can’t describe it, but it’s soft and comforting. It helps him sleep. It helps him forget everything that happened. He imagines Michael holding him close and snuggling him, keeping him safe. But as he begins to drift off, he gets another flashback. 

The trail of blood from Michael’s body that was left in the snow as he pulled Michaels body to the shed. He watched in horror as the blood followed behind him. He’s thankful the shed is hidden away from the rest of the neighbourhood. Jeremy threw Michael’s body in the shed in horror, slamming the door. He cringes, Jesus Christ, that was loud. He looks at the trail of blood and shakes his head. He throws snow on the footprints he left and tried his hardest to get rid of the blood. 

The memory makes Jeremy’s heart hurt. He’s not so sure he can keep doing this. He pulls the sweater closer, gripping it tightly, his heart beating fast. “Wherever you are, Michael, I hope you’re safe and it’s okay if you never forgive me...but...I’m sorry.” Jeremy starts crying again, tears staining his cheeks and rolling onto the sweater. 

“G-goodnight, my dear friend. Goodnight.”


	2. and i'll die and i'll die and i'll die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy has more memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this Au, Jeremy's Squip quits talking to him after the murder. When it does talk, it's rare. It gave up trying to get Jeremy to be cool because it accomplished what it was truly made for. (This is mostly just an excuse to make it so i dont have to write jeremy being told what to do by the squip because who has time for that lol)

A weekend after the news about Michael was given to Mr.Heere, the entire school was called to the gymiasm. This was unusual, the school’s assemblies were usually in the Auditorium, not the gym.

Jeremy knew exactly why he was there with his classmates first thing in the morning. 

He sat down, his classmates surrounding him. The entire school sat there waiting for the principal to set everything up, many voices rang through the gym. Jeremy overhears some kids making inappropriate comments and laughing at stupid jokes. He shakes his head in disbelief. They may be having fun now, but soon there’s going to be an announcement of a death. 

Jeremy just _knows_ this is an assembly announcing Michael’s passing, which kills Jeremy inside because he’s the cause of this entire assembly. In a better world, he’d be in class with Michael and this assembly wouldn’t be necessary. 

The principal begins tapping on the mic and calls for silence. When no one hears his call, he raises his hand which inspires other students and teachers to do the same. Eventually the noise dies down and it’s pure silence. Uncomfortable silence. Jeremy can feel the tense energy in the air. 

“So, students of MiddleBorough High, this is a very important assembly. We ask that you do not clap and remain respectful to the ones speaking. We have a very heartbreaking announcement to make this morning. A fellow student has sadly passed away over the weekend.” 

Jeremy jerks forward and tries to control himself, he can feel the tears forming and can feel the guilt coming in waves. 

“His name is Michael Mell and he was in grade eleven. If you knew him personally, we are very very sorry for your loss. If you ever need to talk to the counselor, she’s free anytime. You might have to set up an appointment, but she’ll give you lots of great advice.” The principal looks over at the counselor, smiling lightly at her. 

Almost everyone looks at Jeremy, knowing his friendship status with Michael. He feels sick and self conscious, but the Squip replaces his negative self image with confidence. Since everyone knew how close him and Michael were, almost everyone will be telling Jeremy they are sorry. He’ll get girls hugging him and popular kids telling him he’ll get through this pain. He frowns a little, knowing his thought process is currently being controlled by his Squip. He hates it. He wanted to murder the Squip, not Michael. He hates using his death as an advantage to gain popularity. 

He wants to get up, leave, run out of the school, and hide forever.

“Michael was a great kid, he had great marks, a great personality. It’s such a shame he’s gone. This assembly is important because we’re going to discuss the importance of helping your friends and family through…” 

Jeremy zones out, thinking about when Michael’s cause of death will be mentioned. Jeremy only tunes back in when he hears a very familiar word...

“...murder.” 

His eyesight becomes blurred with tears. He hates that word. He hates it. He hates it so much. _So fucking much_. 

“We’ve all got to remember to be careful. There is a murderer out there and Michael is sadly the victim of their heinous crimes. Please be safe and know where you’re going…”

Jeremy brings himself out of his memories again. He’s watching the news while curled up on the couch. He’s holding a blue Pac-Man ghost plush he got from a box with Michael’s stuff in it. On the news they’re talking about the murder, which brings Jeremy to a whole new level of fear and guilt. It’s on the _news_. Then again, what did he expect? It’s a murder. Of course it’s being talked about until it’s milked dry. 

“I just think this is such a strange case. His murderer left him in the shed then took off, never to be seen or heard from again. It’s kind of scary, actually. Who will his next victim be?” A news man goes on and on about how terrifying it is. Jeremy rolls his eyes, he’s not going to murder anyone else. The guilt and regret is too strong, he literally ruined a family. He certainly won’t be doing that again anytime soon. It wasn’t even entirely his fault, either. 

There’s a commercial break, Jeremy hates commercial breaks on the news channel. It’s all just ads talking about old people homes, insurance, some medicine that helps cure some disease with a billion warnings in the corner. Maybe some ads for a new show on some channel you can only watch with a certain cable package. Maybe an ad about children in Africa. 

He shuts the tv off in frustration and lies his neck on the back of his couch. Without Michael, life has been ridiculously boring. Jeremy can’t even look at his game consoles anymore without tearing up. It hurts too much. He holds the plush close, squeezing it lightly. This blue ghost has been in Michael’s life for years. He got the plush when he was four, maybe five. Michael, a few months before he died, had discussed giving the plush to Jacob since Jacob lost his special plush in a store. Jeremy might go and visit the Mells and give the ghost to Jacob. Jacob needs it, it’d help him get through the grief. 

Jeremy may of murdered his best friend, but he’s still going to help Michael’s family get through it. He feels so bad, he wants to make up for it somehow. He knows that’s near to impossible, though, especially if he’s the murderer. He sighs, he shouldn’t of done this. 

…

Jeremy anxiously waits at the door to the Mell’s household, ringing the doorbell. It’s quite cold out and Jeremy hopes he gets asked to come inside soon. He waits, holding the ghost close to his chest. Finally, the door’s opened and it’s Michael’s mother. She smiles big, wrapping Jeremy in a big hug. 

“Hello, dear...we have something very special to give you. I think you’d enjoy this quite a bit.”

“Uh, yeah I have something to give you, too.” 

“Come on in, then.” 

Jeremy steps in, stomping on the doormat to get snow off his boots. “S-so, I thought I’d stop by...I found this plush in the box of keepsakes from Michael’s room that you gave me and I thought ‘maybe Jacob would like to have it instead…?’” He holds the plush out, showing Mrs.Mell. Her eyes light up “I remember that ol’ thing...If you don’t want to keep it, it’s fine. Jacob would gladly take it, he needs something for comfort. He can’t sleep lately.”

Jeremy frowns. He ruined that poor kid.

“Ah, alright. It’s all his, then.” Jeremy sighs, giving it to Mrs.Mell. He begins taking off his shoes before he walks further into the Mell’s house. It’s lonely and quiet in the house, the atmosphere is so so wrong. Mrs.Mell walks Jeremy to the basement, which is a basement dedicated just to Michael. There’s a small couch and a small bed, fairy lights strung up, and an entire video game setup. Michael’s parents spoiled him a lot growing up. Jeremy looks at the game area, a flat screen tv is on a dresser, many game systems are stuffed in one of the dresser drawers. He frowns as he sees a box on the floor beside the dresser. 

“Are...are you going to pack away all his stuff? Where are you going to put it?” 

“We’re planning on selling them to that retro video game store Michael was a regular at.” Mrs.Mell stares at the box “it’ll make us a lot of money, I hope.” 

“What! Don’t sell them! Maybe keep them in your closet? Or his rooms closet? Jacob might enjoy them one day.” 

“Ah...you’re right. I’ll have to think about it. I really don’t want to sell these things...they’re too special.” Jeremy nods and looks in the box, there’s already an Atari in there. He smiles slightly, admiring it. Jeremy also looks around Michael’s man cave, admiring the shelves with Gameboys on them, a light up retro Nintendo sign on the wall, and many posters. It smells like a teenage boy down here, with a mixture of Michael’s scent and a faint smell of weed. Jeremy’s not so sure Michael’s mom notices the weed scent. Michael still probably has weed in his closet somewhere. 

“So, Jeremy.” Mrs.Mell grabs a box labeled “clothing” in black sharpie and drops it down on Michael’s basement bed. She rummages through it, cursing under her breath. “I think this is the wrong bo- Oh!” she pulls out a familiar red sweater. “Here we go.” She holds it close for a minute, breathing in it’s scent. Jeremy watches, his eyes glowing. 

“I-...you’re actually going to give me that sweater?” 

“Yes dear. It was his favourite sweater. I thought it’d be a good idea to let you keep it.” She hands it out to Jeremy slowly. “Keep it safe, but don’t be afraid to love it. Michael would love knowing it’s now in your possession.” 

Jeremy holds it close and squeezes it. “Thank you so much…” 

“No. Thank _you_ for being here to help us with all this. You’ve been such a sweetie. I just…” she begins tearing up and holds her arms open. Jeremy goes to hug her, feeling disgusted with himself. He’s Michael’s murderer and now his mother is telling him how good of a kid he is. 

“Whoever murdered Michael will _pay_. No one takes my son’s life away in such a horrid way.” 

Jeremy starts crying. He’s so scared of Mrs.Mell finding out, but, he will have to pay. He’ll gladly go to jail for the rest of his life if that’s what it takes. 

 

…

 

Jeremy holds Michael’s sweater, staring at it. It’s all his now. He might wear it to school. He lies down in bed with it in his arms, smelling it. It smells like Michael’s body spray. There’s little Michael hairs in the hood and a little stain from Michael’s slushie. He dropped it once, getting it on his sweater. He wasn’t able to get it out in time which stained the red material. Jeremy starts to cry again, holding the sweater even closer. It has so many memories attached to it, it brings Jeremy back to a better time, a happier time. As Jeremy shoves his face in the sweater for comfort, he’s taken to another memory.

“So I hear you were Michael Mell’s best friend of twelve years. Is this correct?” 

Jeremy nods, trying his hardest to act innocent. 

“Where were you the night he was murdered?” 

“S-sleeping.” 

“At your house?” 

“Y...yes. Yes. At my house.” 

“Are you...somehow connected to the murder?” 

“No!no no no. I didn’t know about it. I...I hate that Michael was murdered. It fills be with rage that nothing can calm.” Jeremy cringes. He’s acting so stupid, the Squip isn’t talking to him, it’s making Jeremy figure this all out on his own. 

“Did Michael have any struggles with his family or anything that you may know of?” 

“Uh- his dad. His dad is rarely home due to work, but other than that, no.” 

The police officer nods, writing on a clipboard. He reads something for a moment, making the air silent and awkward. Jeremy is fidgeting with his sweater sleeves, hoping to god he’ll be able to get off the hook. 

“Jeremy, are you sure you’re not in any way, shape or form, connected to his murder?” The officer leans in, waiting. 

“I’m not. Never. I couldn’t murder _anyone_. Michael was my best friend, and whoever murdered him will not be getting my forgiveness anytime soon.” Jeremy knows he’s acting somewhat guilty. Lying about these things isn’t as easy as lying about whether you did your homework or not. His shaking is visible, so is his fidgeting. He’s so stupid. He’s sweating, too. God, he’s so nervous.

The officer nods again, waving Jeremy off. “You’re free now.” 

Jeremy gets up out of his chair, dread settling in his stomach. He knows he must’ve said something wrong. 

But, nothing came of it, surprisingly. He hasn’t been suspected of anything. Jeremy smiles a bit, glad he’s somewhat safe and off the hook. He comes back to where he is now, hugging the sweater.

He’s overjoyed he has this damn sweater. He wants to hold it and hug it forever and ever, never to let go. But, after awhile, he lets go and pulls it on over his head. It’s quite big on him. He’s never worn Michael’s sweater before. He never got the chance to. 

He feels nice in it, it covers his thighs and the sleeves are too big for his hands. He smiles and stands up, looking down at his body. He feels like a part of Michael is with him forever now. 

…

He goes to school in the sweater and gets some odd looks. He still feels confident, though. Walking through the hallways, feeling as if Michael’s walking with him. Though, if Michael was a ghost, he wouldn’t be following Jeremy. Instead, he’d be mad at Jeremy and never even look at him again. Jeremy knows this, but for at least one day he wants to feel like it’s not his fault for once. 

“Jeremy?” he gets a light tap on the shoulder which makes him jump and turn around. When he turns, he sees Christine. 

“Oh- uh. Hey Christine.” He gives her a lopsided smile. 

“Is that...Michael’s hoodie?”

“Yes it is. Uhm, his mother gave it to me for comfort.” 

“Aw, that’s sweet. Can I...can I hug you? I feel so bad for you right now. This must be such...a...ugh. Geeze, I dunno, ah.” She looks down at her feet. 

Jeremy stares at her, blushing. “G-go ahead?” he tilts a bit on his shoes, pulling on his shirt collar awkwardly. She smiles and wraps him in a tight hug. She’s short and small but warm. It’s comforting in many ways. 

**“Christine is hugging you. See? I told you Michael dying would gain you popularity.”**

Jeremy frowns and pulls away from the hug. Christine looks up at him, confused. 

“You okay?” 

“I’m...I’m fine.” Jeremy feels tears welling in his eyes. He didn’t want popularity this bad. The more he thinks about it, the more he hates the Squip. He wants it out. 

“Alright...just...I’m here for you, Jeremy. Like I’ve said before, I care about you. Have a good day.” She begins walking away and Jeremy watches her, frowning. 

He feels so empty and alone. He wishes she’d stay. He wants to talk to somebody and have them stay put, maybe walk to class with him. He just wishes he could have a friend. It’d help him feel better about Michael even if it’s just for a second. He misses waiting at their usual lunch table for Michael to return with a slushie, sometimes two if he had the money. He also misses walking to class with Michael, wishing each other luck on tests. He sighs and looks at his feet, thinking about it all. He starts crying and he runs to the bathroom to hide. He feels so embarrassed crying, he doesn’t want anyone to see. 

“I...I want Michael. Fucking...stupid Squip.” Jeremy fidgets with his sweaters sleeves. The Squip doesn’t even help with making Jeremy cool anymore, it just stays quiet, waiting for moments that are considered “cool” in its eyes. It believes it’s done its job, completing its mission. 

…

Jeremy goes home and cries to his dad about Michael, his dad tries to comfort him, but it’s not working. 

“Do...do you need to talk to your therapist again?”

“No! He doesn’t give me the advice I need!”

“Jeremy you don’t understand how therapy works-”

“Stop! I don’t care! I need help, but no one’s giving me the help I need!” 

“Deep breaths, Jeremy.”

Jeremy obeys, breathing in...then out. In, out. In, out. He feels his shoulders relax and his temper calm. 

“D-dad...I’m-”

His dad hugs him tightly “I’m trying, Jeremy. I’m trying to support you and help you, but you seem so lost, I’m not so sure what I’m supposed to do.” 

Jeremy whimpers and begins full on sobbing. “I miss….Michael.” 

…

A few days after Jeremy began planning the murder, the Squip convinced Jeremy to invite Michael over. It let Jeremy see Michael, interact with Michael, and talk to him, just like the old days. Jeremy was anxious waiting for Michael to come over, he seemed so happy and excited. He was so, so scared of it being the day of the murder. He wasn’t ready, but he knew the Squip would be ready anytime, controlling Jeremy. 

Once Michael came into the house, his excited energy took Jeremy by surprise. It’s been so long since he’s been with Michael that he’s not so used to it anymore. It exhausted him after a while. He wasn’t quite sure what to say or talk about. Michael did most of the talking the entire night, but as the night went on he realized Jeremy’s silence. He too went quiet and their usual comfortable silence was now nothing but an uncomfortable silence. It was suffocating. 

“I’ll, uh, be right back. I’m going to get something to eat.” Jeremy gets up and stretches. He begins walking away and Michael starts to talk. He’s formed a sentence, but Jeremy didn’t understand it. He didn’t want to stay longer to make him repeat it, so Jeremy just walks away. Michael stares after him, tears forming in his eyes. 

“Jeremy-...I want something to eat, too.” he stands up and follows Jeremy, grabbing him by the shirt aggressively. “Stop ignoring me, Jeremy! Just say something!” 

“I-I’m not ignoring you, Michael, I didn’t even know you said anything.” Jeremy looks at him, blinking. 

“You...you...nevermind.” Michael tries to push Jeremy subtly, hoping it didn’t feel or look like a push, and goes to sit down. Jeremy can see the anger forming in Michael and sighs, walking away. Michael is too much, too much for Jeremy to handle right now. 

He doesn’t get something to eat, he instead sits in the bathroom and takes a breather. He needs some alone time. Michael would appreciate it anyway. Things are complicated and stressful, Jeremy didn’t realize how fucking hard it’d be to have Michael around. Jeremy sort of feels bad, though. Michael’s a lot to have to deal with at times, he leans on Jeremy a little too much and isn’t very independent. It gets on Jeremy’s nerves, especially now that he’s been distant from Michael. 

Jeremy hears Michael walking upstairs to the bathroom, sighing when he sees it’s occupied. “Jeremy...I’m sorry.” Michael leans against the door. It’s just him and Michael in the house, so naturally Michael knows it’s Jeremy. Jeremy opens the door slowly, staring at Michael. 

“Michael.” Jeremy takes a deep breath and lies a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, but…” Jeremy swallows. “I feel like you and me just...we can’t make our friendship work anymore?” Jeremy shrugs.

Michael looks at him then at the ground then back up at Jeremy. “I...noticed.” 

Michael went home at a late hour of the night. It was supposed to be a sleepover but since Jeremy said that, there was no point in staying. Jeremy felt bad and guilty and spent the night thinking it over. Michael is like a puppy, energetic and loud, but once you scold him, he goes and hides in the corner. Jeremy thinks the comparison is a little stupid, but it’s the truth. Michael talks _a lot_ , which lately has put Jeremy in an uncomfortable spot. 

He talks about many things, video games, music, clothing he likes, patches he found, his newest vinyl for his record player. It makes Jeremy feel bad because he has nothing new to talk about. It’s usually just the same topics with Jeremy. 

He sighs, looking at his bedroom floor. Michael forgot his shirt. He seemed to have left it on Jeremy’s floor when he changed into his pajamas (which he went home in). Jeremy texts Michael about it, but gets left on read. Jeremy decides to call him instead but gets rejected. 

Jeremy rolls his eyes, mad that Michael would do that. Jeremy doesn’t care. He’s done caring. He wants what’s best for himself, anyway. He can’t be a bleeding heart for Michael.

Now it’s the present and Jeremy looks at his phone, checking his messages with Michael. They eventually made up, but not until after Michael cried to Jeremy about it at lunch. The only real reason they had the chance to make up, though, was due to the Squip. Making them make up was apart of it’s plan. 

**“If you make up with him, you’ll be able to sneak into his house easier. He won’t be pissed off but instead happy. You know Michael would do anything for you, right? Well, he’d be pleased to see you again. It’ll all work!”**

They texted a few more times before the murder, but it was very little. While they were back to being friends, Michael no longer considered Jeremy a best friend and barely kept in contact. Jeremy had noticed Michael trying to find friendship elsewhere, but to no avail. Jeremy’s Squip pitied him.

Jeremy scrolls through their texts, tears forming in his eyes. “We could’ve talked a lot more…” he wipes his eyes. The sad thing about all of this is the fact it wasn’t an unexpected death, it was a planned murder. Jeremy very well could’ve talked to Michael a lot more before it was time. He had many chances, even the Squip wanted Jeremy to interact with Michael. But it wasn’t an act of kindness from the Squip, it was all just apart of the plan. 

Their last messages were just them saying hello and that’s it. Nothing memorable, just a couple of hellos. Jeremy gets mad and tightens his grip on his phone. His thumb slips, calling Michael by accident. He hangs up immediately, scared. But he then curiously calls again. What if someone picked up? He watched and listened to it ring, expecting Michael to pick up any second. Unfortunately, there’s no response. Jeremy’s heart begins to ache. He decides to text Michael. 

“I know you wont see this but i miss u and im so sorry” 

He sends it and breaks down in tears, dropping his phone on the floor. He rubs his eyes really hard and stuffs his face in his pillow. He falls asleep around 6:30pm and sleeps past his alarm so he stays home from school. 

When he wakes up, he looks at his phone. He’s currently unaware of everything that happened because he’s feeling groggy due to his sleep. He reaches for the phone, excited to see if Michael has texted him back, but then he remembers. He gasps and drops his phone again, he’s not so certain he can handle this grief any longer. He covers his head with his blanket and feels that tickling feeling in his nose that is usually followed by crying. 

He can’t stop crying, he doesn’t stop for quite some time. When he does stop, it’s due to the fact that nothing will come out. He’s cried himself dry. His eyes are puffy and his cheeks are stained with tears. He’s embarrassed, if he was seen this way he’d be so ashamed. Yeah, he’s crying over Michael, but it’s ugly crying. It’s gross and embarrassing. He has snot coming from his nose and no tissues available to clean it with. Having no tissues is actually kind of surprising for Jeremy the more he thinks about it.

Jeremy holds his head in his hands, everything feels heavy and the guilt is choking him. He’s not so sure he can do this anymore. 

He sits in silence for a while, thinking. Thinking about all sorts of things. Michael, Michael’s sweater, the murder, Michael’s many game consoles, kids at school who have bullied Jeremy in the past. Then, Jeremy remembers.

Rich.

Rich has a Squip.

The Squip made Jeremy commit a horrible crime, but what about Rich?


End file.
